Maybe someday I’ll look back at this note and realize how wrong I was, but how terribly sad and frightening to think if thats not the case. 

Its been 5 months and 7 days. Or 22 weeks. Or 160 days. Possibly 3840 hours. I’ve never been good at math, but surprisingly I always get this one right. Somedays hurt more than others. The frequency of complete and total shambles was a little higher in the beginning. Yet somehow, you still slip into my mind. Often. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, or how well I’m preoccupied. I see something, hear something, feel something, and dammit, I think of you. 

I bottle it in. I try and focus on my breathing. I look outside my window. Sometimes, its much too paralyzing. I’ll let myself go, but only if no one is around. To this day, no one really knows whats going on in my head. No one suspects a thing. Everyone else is too preoccupied with their own lives. I can’t say I blame them. Besides, I think this is the type of pain that can only be handled alone. 

I wonder how you’re doing. I wonder if you’re happy. I wonder if you still think about me too. Shameless, I’ll admit. I wonder if you go through these motions too. Contentment to sheer ruin. Have you moved on? You told me I would eventually. I still haven’t. I don’t know when I will. If I will. 

I’ll find things and relate it to exactly what I’m going through. Like this one quote I came across, I think its by Helen Keller. 

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”

True, I’ll admit. This is one closed door I’ve been staring at since we fell apart. Nonetheless, I try to wander away from it, but my eyes still find their way back. And I have these moments, of desperation or something, when all I want to do is pry this fucking door off its hinges. Much to my chagrin, nothing ever budges. I wonder if you’d smile at the fact that I finally learned how to use the word “chagrin” in a sentence too. The small pleasantries that used to color my world…

I want you to know that I’m still trying, but after this amount of time, I still feel the same. I’m sorry. 


  1. dxpx posted this