"You will fall in love with someone who’s cold and always seemingly pushing you away. When all is said and done, they will be forever known as the one person you couldn’t get to love you. Unfortunately, it will hurt and sting worse than the good ones, the ones that chopped up your meat for you and picked out an eyelash from your eye and were nice to your mother, because love often feels like a game we need to win. And when we lose, when we realize we couldn’t get what we ultimately desired from a person, it makes us feel like a failure and erases all the memories of those who loved us in the past. It’s a permanent smudge on your love resume."
One lone lobster beat a claw against the glass wall of a small tank. The lobster’s narrow, empty world was perched over a frozen sea; blue Styrofoam tray after tray of Dungeness crab, leggy purple squid, and bundled smelt rested on chipped ice below. Tick, tick. The lobster knocked, as though to flag down help. Across the aisle what had once been a herd of grass-fed cattle now lay silent in bloody pools of iced New York strip steak, flank steak, ribs, tongues, and burger. Edible flowers bloomed on a small green stand, a miniature field ready for harvest. Tap, tap, tap. Tap tap. A lobster SOS. Get me out of this dead heaven. I knew the feeling.
[Excerpt from Monica Drake’s “Clown Girl”]
- 2 years ago
Do sad people have in
They have all built a shrine
To the past
And often go there
And do a strange wail and
What is the beginning of
It is to stop being
- Hafiz -
What I yearn for is to feel needed again.
Nothing else will sustain me.
When I heard the learn’d astronomer;
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me;
When I was shown the charts and the diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them;
When I, sitting, heard the astronomer, where he lectured with much applause in the lecture-room;
How soon, unaccountable, I became tired and sick;
Till rising and gliding out, I wander’d off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars.
I finally got accepted into medical school. This is a dream that has taken what feels like forever to come true. I started in July, and completed my first semester in mid-december.
I had my heart completely ripped out of my chest roughly two weeks after being accepted into said medical school. A three year relationship, dismantled right before my eyes, just when things were starting to look up in my life. All of my plans, my outlook for the future, were suddenly reset to zero.
With this in mind, I’ve gone back and forth on trying to decide how I feel about 2011 all together. To be blessed with such a monumental accomplishment, only to be left feeling completely empty days later. How do you describe it? Where do you go from there? There are no words. I can’t put this past year in a box.
So here’s my resolution for the new year:
"Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
May you find happiness here.
May all your hopes all turn out right.”
twitching in the sheets -
to face the sunlight again,
I like the city better when the
neon lights are going and
the nudies dance on top of the
to the mauling music.
I’m under this sheet
my nerves are hampered by
the most memorable concern of mankind
is the guts it takes to
face the sunlight again.
love begins at the meeting of two
strangers. love for the world is
impossible. I’d rather stay in bed
dizzied by the days and the streets and the years
I pull the sheets to my neck.
I turn my ass to the wall.
I hate the mornings more than
- Charles Bukowski -